the otherwhirled

where nothing is real, and nothing else is sacred.

An interview with Secretary Rice

The Otherwhirled was very honored to not have an exclusive interview with the lovely and intrepid Secretary of State this past weekend. We thoroughly enjoyed the time we did not have with Lead Warmonger, and look forward to future conversational interludes. In honor of our spotlights on Secretary Rice, the Otherwhirled has established a brand-new category which exclusively features the Secretary of State. We call it “Rice Bowling“, just to confuse our sports readers.

(AP Photo/Richard Drew) Our interview began a little shakily, as our reporter had misplaced his notes. “Interviews bore me,” quipped the esteemed Secretary of State. “I have a Cold War to resurrect. When will this be over?” Undaunted, our intrepid reporter carried on.


(AP Photo/Richard Drew) Question: Over recent months, the Bush Administration has escalated the military’s presence in Iraq and inferred that military action will be taken against Iran. Do you feel it’s truly in the best interest of the United States to have so many forces committed to Middle East endeavors at the potential risk to national security?

Madame Secretary: I care this much for your opinion on King George’s actions in the Middle East! What we do in the Middle East is our concern, not yours! Do not worry yourself about it! You did, of course, register for the draft when you were eighteen? Good boy.


(AP Photo/Richard Drew) Question: National Guard and Reserve forces are reported as over-extended, underfunded, ill-equipped not only for their Iraq deployments, but for those rare occasions when they’re actually back home and somewhat available to provide aid in natural disasters or national security concerns. Is it the policy of this Administration to detriment its own forces to such an extent?

Madame Secretary: If by “overextended” you mean, “successfully deployed”, and by “underfunded” you mean, “conscientious of budgetary concerns”, and by “ill-equipped” you mean “not over-stocked”, then everything is, in fact, just fine with our military forces. We don’t detriment our troops any more than we deprecate our standing in global politics by maintaining a firm control in Iraq.

(AP Photo/Richard Drew) Question: You look lovely today, and your outfit truly compliments the aura of your power. Are your clothes, like Queen Pickles, custom tailored to your express specifications, or do you have a favorite place to shop?

Madame Secretary: Ah, that’s good of you to notice, peon. To be honest, you’re not looking so bad yourself, tiger. Heh. Too bad you’re not female. However, the places I shop and the designers I use are state secrets and cannot be revealed to the American public, due to National Security reasons. I’m sure you understand.


(AP Photo/Richard Drew) Question: What plans do you have for after the end of the Bush Presidency? Have you thought about where your career will take you?

Madame Secretary: (mumbling, barely audibly) Oh, it will never truly end, my friend. Ever. Er…well, obviously, the details of my future career are classified, being a matter of National Security. However, I can tell you that I fully intend to play a formative role in a shadow government that will maintain clandestine control of global politics for at least the next century. All of which I will later deny.

[The rest of our interview was unfortunately redacted due to “National Security” concerns.]

(AP Photo/Richard Drew) Question: Thank you for a wonderful and insightful interview, Madame Secretary. It was an absolute pleasure spending these few moments with you and four dozen Secret Service personnel. Did you have anything else you might like to say to the American public?

Madame Secretary: Oh, you kidder! Of course I have nothing more to say to the American public. They should feel blessed to even see our likenesses on the television or in newspapers. Who needs to say anything to them? But seriously, I will say this: “Be careful who you call, and be mindful of what you say. We’re making a list and checking it twice, and not many of you look very nice.”

photo credit, all: AP Photo/Richard Drew


2007.06.12 - Posted by | politics, public figures, rice bowling, snark

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