the otherwhirled

where nothing is real, and nothing else is sacred.

Dear God,

Lincoln County StormDear God (assuming, of course, Your Existence, which i personally find questionable)

i just thought i should let you know some things, because in Your Omnipotence, it is possible that You have overlooked them, or not given pause to their admittedly presumed importance.

yesterday, several events occurred which, when viewed in the aggregate, might have served to easily rid you of one of your infrequent detractors.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  1. beginning at 8:45 a.m. yesterday, i (relatively simultaneously), filled up our riding lawnmower, recharged its battery, and filed all three of its blades (at times laying on my back underneath it raised on bricks and ramps in our driveway because i’m too goddamn lazy to take off the cutting deck) without mishap. i didn’t even scrape my knuckles on the cutting deck. the lawnmower failed to fall on me, and no spark was caught while i (admittedly stupidly) refilled the gas tank while charging the battery. several opportunities missed, All-Seeing One. i rather expected more.
  2. actually, the morning started with my having to purchase a metal file. when the cashier rang me up, the price was a dollar less than the price tag. i paid the reduced price without a word and left the store. the file worked just fine and made short work of the several dings in the mower blades.
  3. no less than twelve times, out on our north hill and on the west side of our property, did the mower get temporarily stuck, thanks to your recent and frequent spring rains. and i must emphasize temporarily. no less than a dozen times, You could have had me stuck there, pushing and pulling on a 400-pound riding lawnmower and saying “Goddammit” repeatedly to no avail, ultimately having to beg one of my well-to-do neighbors for assistance sometime later in the evening, and still faced with mowing 2.5 acres of 6-8 inch-high grass today. but no, You were off making sure something else happened somewhere else to someone else, and You missed yet another opportunity to punish me for not having been in church to worship since 1992.
  4. while mowing, i listened to old minidisc compilations of music through etymotic headphones that would make my parents cringe, some of which contained foul language and references to non-Christian acts.
  5. for the last two hours that i mowed, i was surrounded by thunderstorms, a couple of which were dumping copious amounts of rain….but not on me. nary a lightning bolt was seen, let alone experienced. less than a mile away, there was almost an inch of rain. i got sprinkled on. holy shit. you’ve got to be kidding me!
  6. during the last 45 minutes that i mowed, i was treated to a light, refreshing drizzle that helped clump the cut grass for easy removal.
  7. despite 6-8 inch-high grass covering roughly 2.5 acres, i managed to finish mowing in three hours. and despite the fact that i waited until 12:00 to get started. and despite the fact that i specifically considered the fact that i would probably not be finished before 3:00. i began to wonder if you actually existed.
  8. while mowing, i stopped from time to time to check my business line. throughout the entire afternoon, i did not miss one business call. in fact, i happened to be walking back inside the house right as one of my clients was calling….twice, and one of them needed to reschedule an appointment! truly, it must be embarrassing when my karma works more effectively than Your Spirit.
  9. You know, what’s funnier about that last one is that both times i walked in while a client was calling, i was actually coming inside for a beer refill.
  10. i finished mowing literally at 3:00:17….with twenty minutes, in other words, of needing to leave in order to pick up my children from school. c’mon, Lord. i expect to get fucked with on days when my wife is out of town, and you let me finish early? Jesus, what the hell were You thinking?
  11. as i finished and parked the mower, the last song that came up was “Blasphemous Rumours” by Depeche Mode. i mean, really. i should be struck down just for listening to old Depeche Mode music, for goodness sake.

can You believe You missed all that? so many opportunities lost. i’m almost disappointed.

on the other hand, as i write this, one of our cats—neutered no less—has apparently been dry-humping a blanket that my daughter must have left down here (also ironically to A Flock of Seagulls’ “Space Age Love Song”), so i guess it’s all good.

{the photograph is a retouched digograph of the view from our back porch, for what it’s worth}

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2007.05.09 - Posted by | humor, opinion

2 Comments »

  1. http://pressposts.com/Humor/Dear-God/

    Submited post on PressPosts.com – “Dear God,”

    Trackback by PressPosts / User / banita21 / Submitted | 2007.05.09 | Reply

  2. I’m coming to your place for the music. And to avoid lightening bolts.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

    Comment by Tengrain | 2007.05.09 | Reply


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